Food and Punishment

I am a woman…

A woman who spent a lifetime worrying about the size and shape of her body.
A woman who kept seeing her body as a tool of torture and pain.
A woman who was never truly happy with what she saw in the mirror.

I’d walk past a window whop and look at my reflection and the only thing I could see in it was simply all my flaws…
There was hardly ever a positive image smiling back at me.
On the outside I could easily look like someone really ,really vain.
Yet what I was in fact checking out was everything that I was truly unhappy with.

Years and years of unhappiness, guilt, self punishment, doubt and negative emotions finally took their tall on me.

It’s kind of hard to describe what I do with simply one word… Or even two words…
Yes, I am a personal trainer and yes, I am a nutrition coach too.
But that sounds really odd and not enough of what I’m aiming to help women with.

A few days ago I decided to ask a lot of women about what they struggle mainly with when it comes to weight loss, nutrition, exercise and body image.

I got a lot of very similar answers – lose the belly fat and love handles, how to get a perkier butt, how to slim down their thighs, how to motivate themselves etc etc.

I also got a few personal messages from women who never wanted to share their fears publicly and those were the ones that really resonated with me and took me back to how I used to feel up to a few years ago.

I will share with you one but keep its owner anonymous

“I am struggling with the fact that even though I love going to the gym I feel constantly criticised for being overweight and see no hope for the future. Eating is more a form of self-punishment for me. I am pretty sure that is not uncommon, but also don’t think a lot of people not in the situation realise that it exists”

How many of us suffer in silence?
How many of us feel the need to look a certain way to actually “fit” with the norm that society has placed on us?
How many of us use food as a form of self-punishment?

I used to do that for years…. But it took me a loooong time to actually realise that.
I thought I was comfort eating…
I thought that every bar of chocolate that found itself in the pit of my stomach in less than 5 mins was because I needed to feel good when I felt like I’ve failed.
And then the dreaded guilt, anger, frustration and self – debilitation, humiliation and more guilt.
Guilty for failing yet again…
Guilty for feeling weak…
Guilty for eating something that I deemed as forbidden and wrong…
Guilty for never being good enough…

But I got my light bulb moment when I realised something very, very important and I urge to read the next few lines carefully.

I realised that it wasn’t how society was seeing me (and it’s a whole other blog about why you shouldn’t give a hoot about that)
It was how I was seeing ME and I how I projected my thoughts into other people’s actions.

I felt unsure of myself…
I never felt good enough…
I felt like I’ve failed…

I believed that I’d be very, very happy once I reach my goal weight…
I believed that once that happens everyone will start loving me and seeing the new me.

But I couldn’t have been more wrong…
Yes, I did get to the stage where I was really, really happy with how I looked.
But I almost ended up losing everything else that was around me.
I was so concentrated on getting to that stage that it became my lifelong mission.
And I didn’t think of anything else on the way there…
But because life can sometimes give you the worst thing served on a platter but can also make it your best present ever, if I had never reached that point in my life I’d never known what it is to be truly happy.

Happy doesn’t come in a shape or form.
Happy doesn’t care about how much you weigh or how you look.
Happy is that place within you where you feel total piece and love every part of yourself.
You can NEVER reach happiness once you accomplish something or look a certain way or weigh a certain amount.
Unless you accept yourself for who you are and truly learn to love yourself…

Elena (because I’m happy) Terziyska

‪#‎eatnutrition‬ ‪#‎bingeeating‬ ‪#‎selflove‬ ‪#‎weightloss‬ ‪#‎mindset‬ ‪#‎perspective‬‪#‎happywhereyouareat‬ ‪#‎training‬ ‪#‎weighlifting‬

Elena Terziyska

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